


Finding My Way Home

by LadyKiren258



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Feels, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, M/M, Pet Names, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyKiren258/pseuds/LadyKiren258
Summary: Tony feels like the only safe place James knows right now, so he keeps sneaking into the Tower without the other Avengers knowing. You can imagine what kind of drama happens from there....“So the good Cap tells me. But I can’t help it that Clint keeps hurling himself off of buildings and Nat goes into corners without backup—not that she can’t get out on her own, it just makes me crazy—and Bruce is fine, unless unconscious and Thor gets reckless when the Hammer can’t do its Hammer thing and don’t even get me started on Captain Sacrifice Play-Run Straight Into Danger-Pants.” Tony’s ramble washed over James and he smiled slightly.“I don’t think it’s safe to throw rocks from glass houses.”“I have a suit of literal armor and I can fly.” Full rant now.“But you are still a squishy human on the inside. Run more drills and learn to delegate, Tony.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...here's the deal: I have been lurking around this fandom for forever, so long it's not even funny. I've written bits of things only to get distracted about halfway through and abandon them. To be honest, I'm worried that will happen with this story. However, I do have a fair amount written already and I kind of know where I want this to go, so maybe this time I can do it! Plus, I figure posting is a good motivator even if I am the only one holding myself accountable for that. A warning: I am so, so rusty at this whole writing thing, so any constructive criticism would be great. Also, I don't have a beta, so any mistakes are entirely my own fault. I'm also ignoring Ultron and Civil War, so this is a bit AU. I do what I want. I'm going to stop talking now, I hope you enjoy the story!

It wasn’t the lack of sleep that got to him—it was all the quiet, which is why he usually had JARVIS blasting music. It was easier to ignore the echoes of memory if he couldn’t hear them over the wail of guitars and voices, drumbeats echoing in his chest. The manic feeling that always followed nightmares numbed if he could keep his hands busy. He’d tried working out, watching TV, reading, even meditation—and hadn’t _that_ been a disaster—but nothing worked so well as a workshop binge. Somehow the heat of welding or a mental workout of coding could soothe him every time. Of course, it meant lots of hours without sleeping, but he could keep that between him and JARVIS. Well, and James, but his visits were sporadic at best.

Speaking of…the music had lowered and it only just now filtered through his engineering haze. He didn’t look up though, didn’t need to and couldn’t really. The wiring in this part of the armor was tricky and delicate.

“Hey, handsome,” he called out, flirting like an involuntary reaction.

“Did you really just flirt with someone who broke into your tower without tripping any alarms?” The gruff voice returned from somewhere in the shadows of the workshop.

“I’ve upgraded since that first time, buttercup. JARVIS basically _let_ you in.” A small huff erupted from the man, the closest Tony had been able to get to a laugh so far.

“Speaking of, what brings you by my lair of wonders?” The man hesitated, but eventually stepped up to Tony’s side, looking uncomfortable.

“The arm is damaged again.” Tony sighed theatrically, finishing off the last detail work and spinning to face James.

“Undoing my fine repairs again, eh? You are such a brute.” He made grabby hands and James lifted the arm, which was dented and folded in odd places.

“Not my fault the tank showed up.” He said sullenly, his hair a curtain around his face. Tony barked out a laugh.

“A tank? Jesus, well you’re never boring, are you?” He gently opened the vents of the arm and hissed. “How long?”

“About five hours before I have to report back.” Low cursing streamed from Tony’s mouth as he rolled to get his tools.

“DUM-E! Chair!” The bot whirred happily as it shoved another cushioned rolling chair behind James’ legs. He grunted as he fell into it.

“I swear to god, DUM-E, I am sending you to community college.” The bot’s arm dropped sadly. James reached out his other hand and patted the bot’s…head? Hand? He still wasn’t sure, but DUM-E sprang up and chirped, so James figured it was okay.

“Spoiled brat,” Tony muttered as he settled in from of the arm. The metal was chilly to the touch.

“Cold?” he asked, without looking up.

“A little,” came the quiet, somewhat reluctant reply.

“J?” They both heard the heaters kick on and felt the warm air begin to blow. “Daddy loves you.”

“I live to please, Sir.” The A.I.’s voice was as dry as ever and James quirked his mouth. Tony began pulling projections from nowhere and James was reminded of the fear he felt the first time. Now though, the icy blue glows were comforting and familiar, signaling that he was in a different, safer place than he usually was when the arm was being repaired. Tony’s hands were gentle and skillful and James loved watching them at work.

“Any extracurricular adventures lately?”

“I watched your last battle. You’re still trying to do too much on your own. Your team is trying to anticipate you and it makes them have to be too many places at once, too.”

“So the good Cap tells me. But I can’t help it that Clint keeps hurling himself off of buildings and Nat goes into corners without backup—not that she can’t get out on her own, it just makes me crazy—and Bruce is fine, unless unconscious and Thor gets reckless when the Hammer can’t do its Hammer thing and don’t even get me started on Captain Sacrifice Play-Run Straight Into Danger-Pants.” Tony’s ramble washed over James and he smiled slightly.

“I don’t think it’s safe to throw rocks from glass houses.”

“I have a suit of literal armor and I can fly.” Full rant now.

“But you are still a squishy human on the inside. Run more drills and learn to delegate, Tony.”

“Yes, Mom,” Tony replied in full snit.

“You’re not as helpful dead.” Tony snorted.

“You sound like Cap.” The mood shifted and took a slight turn at that. Tony sighed heavily, still not looking up.

“Someone is going to see you one of these days. It’d be better to just suck it up and tell him.” James’ shoulders hunched.

“’M not ready,” his old Brooklyn accent slipping through.

“He’s going to kill me when he finds out I knew the whole time.”

“Too much of a Boy Scout. And he never needs to know.”

“I think you forget how annoyingly stubborn that man is.”

“I can’t face him yet. Not like this. Not when I’m still wrapped up in HYDRA.” James had switched to Russian, something he did often when he was feeling vulnerable. Tony had understood it the first time it had happened, but he’d been rusty. He’d studied since then.

“You know your secret is safe with me, Медвежонок.”

“Yeah.” They sat in silence for a while, Tony stripping and replacing some of the damaged wiring.

“So how long has the binge been this time?” English again.

“Not that long, just a lot of work to do—upgrades, repairs, SI stuff, and new weapons for the team. Nat—” Tony tried to begin rambling again, but James cut him off.

“Uh-huh. JARVIS?” James called, addressing the ceiling.

“Sir has been awake for sixty-two point five hours, Master Barnes.” The A.I. sounded huffy, with an undercurrent of distress. James always marveled at the way Tony gave his creations life. He raised an eyebrow, face darkening a little.

“J, remind me to fix your programming defects or ship you off to Apple to be stuck in a third-rate phone.” Empty threat as always.

“Tony—” James started. Tony quickly interjected.

“I keep falling, okay? Can’t sleep if all I’m going to see is dead teammates and space.” Tony wasn’t exactly sure when he had started blurting out his nightmares and deepest fears to this man, but it was practically a reflex now. It seemed to go both ways, though. However, if Tony thought about that for too long it made his heart go tight in his chest and his breathing get panicky. One of the best things about James, though, was the way no pity entered his eyes when Tony said things like this. He only looked at Tony with a steady, weighty gaze that felt grounding somehow.

“Every time I’m alone in my head or try to sleep, the screams just echo in my ears. It’s maddening and it’s like I can’t escape from it. So I come down here and I work. I work and I don’t sleep and sometimes I forget to eat, but I have cranky robots who get overexcited when they think I need their help.”

“Well that’s a bitch,” said James in his usual deadpan. Tony blinked in surprised and then let out a loud laugh that soon dissolved into a fit of giggled. James just smiled at him in return.

“Yeah, yeah it is,” Tony gasped out in between giggles. Tears were in his eyes—from both the laughter and then panic that was slowly ebbing away. James put his flesh hand on Tony’s forearm. Tony took several steadying breaths and rested a hand atop James’. After a while, he picked up his tools and started again. James left his hand on Tony’s bare forearm and they both quietly enjoyed the touch and the warmth.

After a while, Tony began manipulating some of the holoscreens with his free hand, tools clenched in his mouth.

“You’re going to need a new power source soon, this one will give out.” Tony sounded frustrated. James knew that what Tony really wanted was to give him a whole new arm, but there’s no way HYDRA wouldn’t notice that and that would be…catastrophic, at best, for all involved.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?” James aimed for teasing Tony out of his mood so that the usual argument wouldn’t follow.

“There’s genius, sweet-cheeks, and then there’s asking for a miracle and I don’t believe in those, so.” He huffed as his did some calculations mid-air. “Even if I can fix it—well, no ‘ifs,” I can—but it’s a temporary fix at best. It’ll last maybe six months. How can those idiots not know this? Frankly, it shouldn’t have even made it this long. What. The. Hell.” Tony didn’t noticed as James stilled—a carefully blank look on his face.

“Well it’s—” his voice was rough “—it’s never had to run this long all at once before.” Tony’s brows furrowed.

“It’s never—what?” And then it clicked and Tony’s entire body went rigid, the implications swirling in his mind. Suddenly, he shoved himself away from the bench and was up, swearing low and viciously in at least four different languages. James was actually impressed, albeit worried. He wasn’t sure who or what Tony was so furious with right now and it made him edgy. Tony had begun pacing away to the far end of the workshop when JARVIS very quietly spoke up.

“Sir is frustrated with HYDRA’s treatment of you, Master Barnes, not with you.”

“It’s not his fault. Why does it matter so much?”

“If I may make a suggestion, Sir cares for you—very much, although he would probably not like me telling you this way—and it is…” the A.I. paused, appearing to search for the right word, “difficult for him to know the situation you are in and feel unable to fix it.”

James’ breath caught tightly in his chest. He watched as the smaller man stormed around muttering to himself and some feeling, something he only barely remembered from before the fall, welled up in his chest. It didn’t feel safe, whatever it was. Not for someone who was still enslaved by HYDRA. He was pulled from his spiral though when Tony finally calmed enough to throw himself into the chair with a huff.

“Okay, right. I’m fixing this today and then coming up with a better option. Fuck those assholes and their shitty engineering and total dick attitudes.” His voice was coldly furious, but his hands were as gentle as ever as he continued to work on James’ arm.

“Котенок,”

“No,” Tony cut in, something he rarely did to James. “No, I’m fixing this somehow. I will figure it out and do it in such a way that they won’t know. That’s what I do—I fix things.” His jaw was set and his eyes were only on his work.

“That’s what I’m worried about,” James said quietly.

“Quit being such a mother hen, it’ll be fine.” Tony’s voice was full of false cheer.

“No part of that sentence was reassuring.” James was trying not to panic, but it was difficult. He had already risked Tony’s life too much by coming to him needing repairs that first time, not to mention the fact that he had kept repeating the mistake and now he’d gotten very close to the man. He was playing a dangerous game, hiding from HYDRA and forcing Tony not to tell the team. Eventually something would have to give and there would be a price to pay. As James looked at the sleep-deprived man in front of him, he promised himself it wouldn’t be Tony paying for his mistakes. This would have to be the last time. No matter what Tony said about the power source, he couldn’t risk the man like this. James had to guess that HYDRA would eventually realize that the arm was failing and do something about it. It wouldn’t be an elegant solution—or even a painless one—like Tony would invent, but he didn’t have any other choice. He would keep Tony safe, even if it felt like he was losing everything again in the process.

“Did you call me kitten?” Tony asked suddenly, looking up at James as if this had just occurred to him. James replayed the last few minutes in his head and then paused. His body felt too warm now, though he was trained out of blushing long ago.

“I—it slipped.” James avoided Tony’s gaze, looking down at his arm to see what Tony had done so far.

“You could have at least gone with тигр,” Tony sounded mock-offended. James had to laugh at that, even if it only came out as a huff of air.

“No, kitten fits you much better. You are tiny and soft.” Tony sputtered in indignation.

“I am not! I am only slightly below-average height and I have muscles, which I have worked hard on by the way. I am not like a kitten at all! I am a tiger, dammit.” James hid a smile and shook his head. He would miss this man, would miss these nights and conversations that felt free. His smile fell, but he knew he couldn’t allow himself to change his mind. Tony would be better off without a specter like him haunting his life. He sat there in silence for a while, watching Tony work as he muttered about “being a damn superhero, thank you very much” and tried to immortalize the moment in his mind.

He knew the clock was counting down, knew he’d have to leave—for good—soon and he was beginning to feel restless. Tony had done a beautiful job fixing the wiring and power source and was now only reshaping the plates so they wouldn’t grind together. The pain that he had come in with had stopped at some point without him noticing and he felt lighter without it. Time passed too quickly and soon Tony was finished. He triple-checked his work to draw out their time, but eventually had to admit that he was done. He closed the vents and sat back in his chair, wiping his hands on a rag that had lain nearby.

“Tony,” James said softly to get Tony’s attention. He waited until Tony looked up at him, until he could see his dark brown eyes before saying, “Thank you.” Tony sighed, wanting to be dismissive—because too many feelings, thanks—but held James’ gaze nonetheless.

“Anytime, James.” James had to repress a shiver. For all that he liked the crazy pet names that would come out of Tony’s mouth, Tony saying just his name was his favorite. He quirked his lips just a little, eliciting the same reaction from the other man. He stood and DUM-E rushed over and tried to block his way.

“DUM-E, don’t be annoying.” Tony scolded. “Don’t you have a smoothie to go make or something?” The bot perked up immediately, brushed against James briefly, and rolled away to the blender.

“No motor oil! Remember the PowerPoint JARVIS made for you!” Tony shook his head as the bot excitedly whirred around the kitchen area. He looked back at James.

“That time, huh?” James nodded, unable to actually voice the truth this time. He watched Tony with a steady gaze, trying to commit everything about the man to memory. Tony nodded back, his face slightly closed off, but James knew the pain behind it. He hated this already, knew that while it was the best thing he could do that it would also cause the other man some pain. At least for a while until he was able to just move on. Still, it tugged at something within James to just leave it like this. He impulsively reached forward and pulled the other man into a hug, fully enveloping Tony in his arms. Tony gasped in surprise, but his arms came up around James anyway, like that’s where they were meant to be.

“Try not to mess up my impeccable work again, it’s such a pain to do all that detail work.” _Be careful._

“You’re such a punk, Tin Man.” _I’ll try._ James indulged himself for a few more moments before squeezing one last time and letting go. He ruffled Tony’s hair just to get a reaction from him. Predictably Tony scowled and flattened it, or tried to—there must have been a ton of engine grease and who knows what else in there.

“So where are you off to?”

“No idea, they haven’t mentioned a mission yet, but then they usually don’t until I am being sent out.” Tony frowned again, but nodded.

“Don’t overwork yourself,” James added seriously. Tony just rolled his eyes, as James knew he would. He waved a dismissive hand.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll go to bed on time and everything.” James smirked and then nodded. He turned and walked toward the edge of the workshop. He didn’t trust himself to say goodbye and didn’t want to say the words anyway. It felt too final. He felt Tony’s eyes on him long after he was out of sight. The weight of his gaze felt comforting and safe, a feeling he would miss having.

Tony watched James go, still warm from the unexpected embrace. He could feel his heartbeat in his chest, but had a hand on the arc reactor just to make sure. Something about the parting felt wrong, felt like an end in a way none of the other times had. He hoped he was just too tired or keyed up and that he was just imagining it all. His mind stuttered back to life and he called out for JARVIS, finally turning away from the door.

“JARVIS, create a new file.”

“Where shall I put it, Sir?”

“Private server.”

“Title, Sir?”

 “Tiger,” Tony said after a moment, small smile playing about his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am clearly no expert in Russian, I only know how to Google things. Feel free to correct me on any and all of these! 
> 
> Медвежонок: Bear, but more like calling someone a teddy bear. 
> 
> Котенок: Kitten 
> 
> тигр: Tiger


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! It's so encouraging, especially since I feel super rusty still. This chapter is really just exploring Steve and Tony's relationship and since I'm still ignoring Ultron and Civil War, we're just going to ignore all that awful stuff that went with them. I still don't know how long this story will be because I'm just sort of letting it happen on its own, but I'll update the chapter count as I go. I will warn you, that this is probably going to be a slow-build, so get ready for that!

The next few days were a blur, Tony lost in a haze of ideas and tests. He had to figure out this power source thing. He would have to have something ready the next time James came back for repairs.

_If he comes back_. There was that quiet, nasty voice in his head again. Ever since James had left and Tony had been left with that weird feeling of goodbye, it had been whispering in his mind and filling him with doubt. He worked harder on his project in order to block it out, but he hadn’t been entirely successful yet. He ran test after test, trying different combinations of power and materials, trying to find something sustainable. He had dozens of projections of the arm around him, all exploded views of the inner workings. He ran a hand through his hair, tired and frustrated. He really just wanted to scrap the whole arm and build it from scratch. He had drafts of plans for that, actually, but he knew he couldn’t do it now. There would be no way for James to explain a whole new arm. Tony had to find something that would work in the old design. 

“Sir, Captain Rogers is approaching your lab.”

“Put everything away and bring up team upgrades!” Tony said quickly, but noticed JARVIS had already begun doing so. He smiled, a feeling of paternal-like pride moving in him. Steve appeared at the door and waved with one hand, the other carrying a tray of some sort.

“Let him in,” Tony said and the door swung open.

“Thought you might be hungry,” Steve said as he walked in. He set down a tray with a ham and cheese sandwich, an apple, water, and some carrots. Tony laughed a little.

“Cap, that might be the most American looking food ever. Also, I can’t decide if you are trying to tell me that I eat like a child or that I should because they eat better than me.” Steve looked confused for a minute and then blushed.

“I just wanted you to have something easy to eat in case you weren’t really in a sitting down mood.” Steve was a little defensive, but seemed to get that Tony was teasing him. It had taken the two a long time to understand one another and really figure out how to communicate. There was a lot of shouting in the beginning, but they mostly had it figured out. They were ruthlessly efficient in the field, it was just the everyday stuff that still had snags sometimes.

“No, really, thank you. I appreciate it. I think the last thing I consumed was one of DUM-E’s smoothies and I’m still not entirely convinced that it was wholly edible.” DUM-E beeped sadly from his charging station. 

“No, you are still in timeout. You have got to learn what goes in the blender and what doesn’t!” Steve just chuckled at the bickering pair, loving how much emotion the bots seemed to put into their nonverbal communications. Tony shook his head, muttering about the crazy robot and sat down in a chair near the food.

“Keep me company while I eat?” He offered. Steve smiled happily and Tony was glad he said it. He was still figuring the good Captain out, but he found that Steve really just wanted to hang out most of the time. Steve sat and Tony picked up the sandwich, working his way through it quickly.

“What have you been working on the past few days? I feel like I haven’t seen you come up for air in a while.” This didn’t bother Tony the way it used to because it was just concern in Steve’s voice, not the disapproval Tony had always thought was there.

“Upgrades for everybody. I was reviewing some footage the other day and suddenly had a bunch of ideas.” This wasn’t entirely a lie, there were upgrades he was working on based on what he had seen from the team lately. “I lost track of time…for a while” Tony huffed a laugh and Steve smiled again.

“Have you slept at all?”

“Nah, sleep is for the weak, Cap.” Tony smirked at him and Steve just rolled his eyes. “Plus, you can’t talk, Mr. Doesn’t Get More Than Four Hours A Night.”

“Tony, I have the serum. I’m not a normal human.” Tony gasped and put a hand over his heart.

“Capsicle, are you implying that I am a mere, _normal_ human? I take offense to that. I am hurt.” Steve laughed and Tony joined in. It was a good moment. Those were coming more frequently between the two of them, but it still always surprised Tony a little. He was still subconsciously expecting Steve to realize he made a mistake, that Tony was not a good man, and to go back to hating him. In his darker, more introspective moments, he still believed that’s what he deserved.

“All right then, genius, what are you working on?” Steve swiveled his chair to look at the designs that were floating in the air around them.

“Mostly Nat’s Widow Bites. They keep shorting out anytime there is anything remotely gooey, which is disturbingly often. Can we talk about that? Seriously, why is that our life? Since when is it a normal thing that I have to plan for the eventuality of our equipment getting goo on it?” Tony was ranting slightly now, but Steve just sort of smiled fondly.

“And then there’s Birdbrain. I need him to stop jumping off buildings, Captain, my Captain. Just because I can always catch him doesn’t mean it doesn’t give me a near heart attack every time he throws himself off a ledge. I have a heart condition, you know!”

“I think we all would like him to stop doing that, but since he won’t…”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m working on these,” Tony said as he pulled the right file up with his usual sort of ‘I’m a genius, watch my magic’ sort of flair. Steve found himself looking at several diagrams for arrows, with something coiled in them.

“Grappling hook arrows?” Steve ventured a guess. Tony looked mildly affronted.

“Clint using a grappling hook? You know how twitchy he gets about leaving his equipment around. Plus, making him climb up the rope would just be torture for me because I would have to hear him whine about how slow it was the whole way. No, these use a similar idea, but they will pull him up whatever he shot them at as he is still falling. He’ll practically be able to run up the building. They will also explode or release depending on what he wants them to do when he’s done. He’ll have to practice to get the running angles right, but I’m sure he’ll be a pro in no time. This is of course not to say that I won’t still have to rescue his stupid ass, but at least this way I don’t have to go into cardiac arrest every time one of his perches isn’t working out for him anymore.”

“These look really good, Tony. Do you think they’ll be ready for our next drill session?”

“Uh, when is that exactly?” Steve laughed and looked amused and exasperated in turns. It was remarkable how many people perfected that look around Tony.

“It’s on Friday, barring any real emergencies of course. You will make it, right?”

“Yes, of course, Cap. J, give me some head’s up, yeah?”

“It is already in my calendar to do so, Sir.” JARVIS said dryly.

“Aw, Daddy loves you.” Tony replied sweetly. “See? I’ll be there.”

“Where on earth would you be without JARVIS?” Steve asked, looking amused.

“Oh that is a scary dark road that we don’t go down. But experience says probably dead, so I think I’ll keep him around.” Tony pushed his chair to the opposite side of the bench.

“I’ve also been working on some designs for you.” He pulled up some preliminary designs of what looked like a seriously upgraded version of Steve’s motorcycle.

“Oh no, Tony leave that alone. I just got the museum to give it back!” Steve looked concerned in that special Steve way of his, wary of hurting Tony’s feelings but really not wanting him to touch the vehicle.

“Chill, Capsicle” Tony said with a laugh. “I’m not touching that ancient piece of scrap metal.” He kept speaking right over Steve’s offended “Hey!”

“This is a completely new one, one that you can use in our super special Avenger outings. It’s way more modified than anything I could have done if I would have started with a base from someone else. There’s all kind of goodies here that let me mess with physics in all the ways that Brucie hates.” Tony expanded some of the views of the bike to show Steve the inner workings. Steve chuckled softly, watching the engineer at work.

“You always like to take off at ridiculous speeds, even on the old one—don’t think I don’t notice, grandpa—so I gave it a high-powered engine with some extra repulser boosters. I’m a giver that way. I made the frame and all the outer work out of the same type of alloy as my suit, so maybe you won’t ruin all my fine work. Or at least you might not do it as often.” Tony kept chattering away, fiddling with the holoscreens and Steve smiled widely. The Avengers truly were so lucky to have Tony on the team. If only the smaller man knew that, too. Sometimes Steve felt like he locked himself away in the workshop to work on stuff for the team to make up for the faults he believed he had. Steve knew that was partially his fault, those first few months the two had really been at each other’s throats and Steve regretted a lot of what he’d said, but he tried his hardest now to make sure that Tony knew he was appreciated.

“Tony, thanks—for all the upgrades and really all the work you do for us.” Steve’s voice cut in suddenly and Tony fell silent for a moment, looking caught off guard.

“Uh, sure thing, Mon Capitan. It’s no big and we all know the team goes through equipment like it’s going out of style.” Steve laughed.

“I know, which is why it’s so great that you always work on it for us. We’d be S.O.L. without you.”

“You flatter me, Cap.” Tony batted his eyelashes dramatically, his ridiculous behavior a sure sign that he was feeling uncomfortable. Steve was beginning to figure these things out, so slowly but he would get there.

“Well I can see you have your hands full, but join us for movie night later? It’s Thor’s turn to pick and you know how entertaining that can be.” Tony gave a full laugh and promised to be there. Steve noticed happily that he’d eaten everything Steve brought down, so he took the plate.

“7 o’clock, don’t forget!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” Tony called out, already distracted by something else. Steve walked out and Tony fiddled with something (he didn’t even know what it was just then) until he knew the man was in the elevator. He stopped and sighed. Having the distraction was nice, but it just reminded Tony of the huge secret he was hiding from Steve. When he found out, and he would, Tony just _knew_ that he would, they wouldn’t be on such good terms anymore. He still didn’t regret his decision to help and hide James, would never regret letting the soldier in that night, but it was hard to keep it in sometimes. Especially since he knew Steve was still hurting and upset that he knew James was out there and alive, but didn’t know where.

“I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I, J?” Tony asked, staring out the door after Steve.

“I believe you already know the answer, Sir,” JARVIS answered kindly. Tony shook his head, knowing this train of thought would get him nowhere.

“Bring up the arm designs again, will you?” JARVIS answered by saving and filing the designs for Avengers’ gear away and bringing up the possibilities and designs Tony had been working on for James.

Tony grabbed a pen and got to work on some math, scribbling away quickly and muttering to himself under his breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you have any constructive criticism! Again, no Beta, so any mistakes are all my own. Thanks so much for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, life is crazy and I'll just warn you that updates won't be on a regular schedule. However, I will do my best to make sure that there isn't too much of a break in between chapters! Thank you so much to all of you who have left comments, kudos, and subscribed. You all are so wonderful and you warm my heart! As always, any mistakes here are my own and please feel free to let me know about them.

It was quiet in the workshop for once. Tony sat there staring towards the plans for James’ new arm, but not really seeing them. It had been three months since the man’s last visit. They had gone long periods of time without seeing each other before, but it hadn’t been this long in a while. Tony had JARVIS constantly monitoring the web and surveillance cameras everywhere to try and catch a glimpse or a whisper of James, but the A.I. had found nothing. Steve, too, had run into several dead-ends lately in the search for his friend. Usually there were hints of Winter Solider activity, rumors at best because the man was a spy-assassin after all, but the last couple of months had only yielded silence. Tony knew that even Natasha had put some pressure on some of her contacts as a favor to the Captain, but she couldn’t come up with anything either. The mood in the tower was tense these days, Steve wandered around looking wounded and hopeless and everyone else was trying not to show how worried they were that HYDRA was most likely planning something. Tony just hid out in the workshop, hoping that James would just wander in.

He’d solved the power problem a while ago, the new equipment was just waiting in one of the workshop’s safes for James to stop by. Tony worried about the other man constantly, the old power source was failing and had to be noticeable by the HYDRA agents by now. Tony kept hoping James would make it in before HYDRA’s psychotic so-called “scientists” decided to do the repair on their own. Tony was sure the fix would be painful and stupid. He’d been trying to keep himself busy with SI, upgrades for the team, training, and the occasional Avengers emergency, but it wasn’t working too well these days. Sleep seemed to be eluding him more than ever and when he did get a chance to nod off…well, the nightmares made it so he didn’t want to.

“J, any news at all?” He asked suddenly. He didn’t really expect much by this point, but it was a habit to ask. Still, every time in the few moments between the question and JARVIS’ answer hope sparked in his chest, a tiny fragile feeling that made him hold his breath every time.

“No, Sir. I have not found any trace of Sergeant Barnes in the last few days.” The A.I.’s voice was gentle, but Tony still felt the pain of his hope being extinguished once again. His shoulders slumped forward and he let his head fall to the workshop table in front of him.

“Sir, Agent Romanoff is requesting access to the workshop.” Tony’s head up and sure enough, there was the tower’s resident redhead super spy assassin, standing outside his door.

“Clear the holos and let her in, I guess.” The door unlocked and Natasha gently padded in, a mug in each hand, her feet making no noise partly due to her skills and partly due to the insanely plush fuzzy socks on her feet.

“What can I do for you, Itsy-Bitsy?” said Tony with a grin. She smiled back at him and handed him a hot cup of coffee. It smelled divine but he looked at her suspiciously as he took it.

“Should I be worried? Are you suddenly trying to live up to your alias?” She laughed quietly, her hair sliding down her cheek and she curled into a chair near his.

“One, I’m not having sex with you or trying to get anything out of you.”

“Shame,” Tony mumbled wryly.

“And two, if I wanted to kill you, there are far easier and far less obvious ways than a poisoned cup of coffee.” Tony shrugged.

“Fair,” he allowed and took a sip. He groaned and shut his eyes briefly.

“Nat, you are a goddess. Seriously, how do you get it perfect every time?” She smiled above the rim of her cup, sipping the same dark brew that was in Tony’s.

“I pay attention, Tony. Just because you will drink the swill that’s been burned and sitting in the pot for hours doesn’t mean you don’t have good taste.”

“Why, Nat, I do believe that was almost a compliment.”

“Don’t let it go to your head.” They sat in companionable silence for a few moments, enjoying their heavenly coffee.

“So what does bring you to my lair at this—I’m sure—ungodly hour?”

“It’s actually not that late,” Tony’s eyebrows rose. “Well not by your usual inhuman schedule, anyway. But I couldn’t sleep and you had looked tired earlier when you came up for food, so I figured you could use the pick me up.”

“Thanks,” Tony said with a soft smile. After reading Natasha’s initial assessment of him for S.H.E.I.L.D., it had been really hard for Tony to trust her, despite all she had done for him and Pepper. He was used to being criticized, sure, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. She, too, had to reevaluate her thoughts about the eccentric man and it had taken months of her watching him, observing his habits and tells before she had realized how wrong she had been. She’d known she would have to be the one to bridge the gap, but had been unsure about how to do it. Her skills lay in subterfuge and manipulation, but that wouldn’t have worked as a way to gain his forgiveness and trust. In the end, she’d allowed herself to be vulnerable with him, to drop the triple –layer mask she wore like a second skin. It had been hard—even harder because he’d rejected her at first—but eventually the two entered into an uneasy sort of truce that had developed into friendship somewhere along the way. Natasha did not have many true friends—friends she knew she could trust with her heart—and she was fiercely protective of those that fell into that category. Tony had earned himself a spot far more quickly than she ever would have thought. It still worried her sometimes, but all she had to do was think about how Tony would easily give up anything for her sake or the sake of anyone on the team and she knew that she was safe with him. For all his bravado, the genius had a terribly hidden soft side if you knew what to look for and often was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that it triggered instincts in Natasha that she had long thought the Red Room had killed.

“Anytime, Antoshka.” Tony smiled at the use of the nickname.

“Can I ask you something?” Natasha asked, looking at Tony intently.

“Sure thing, Nat.” She gave him an assessing sort of look, one that made him feel like he was her assignment again, and then she spoke.

“What do you think of the Winter Soldier’s disappearing act?” Tony kept his face from moving, but only barely. He was sure she saw something anyway, it was her area of expertise after all.

“You mean, do I have any theories?”

“Sure,” she said lightly, tone full of possible meanings. Sometimes talking with her was like a chess game and she was always several moves ahead.

“Well, I think it’s clear that HYDRA is up to something. Everyone around here is twitchy enough to share that particular hunch.” She nodded, not agreeing or arguing yet.

“Or,” he said slouching in his chair and twirling a stylus in the hand not holding the coffee. “HYDRA could be keeping him out of sight for now, given what happened with Project: Insight and the whole S.H.E.I.L.D./HYDRA mess.” It was a thought that had occurred to him often over the past few weeks. He knew now that HYRDA’s idea of keeping the soldier out of action was to freeze him and the thought filled him with rage and worry. He still wasn’t sure why Natasha was asking him about it, though. It was well known that finding Bucky was Steve’s, Sam’s, and Natasha’s project, though the others helped them when they could. Tony had given Steve access to a lot of JARVIS’ systems to aid him in the search. However, Tony wasn’t often consulted this directly. He looked at Natasha again.

“Why, Nat? What do you think?” She waited for a moment, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as she seemed to consider what to say next.

“What do you know about him?” That through him off-guard a bit.

“Uh, not much. Just that he’s HYDRA’s top assassin and, apparently, Steve’s long-lost best friend from the 40s.” She nodded.

“He’s practically been a ghost story until now. No one knew what he looked like, well no one alive anyway. But you’re a smart guy,” she had a sardonic looking smirk, trying to tease him, “What can we extrapolate from what we know?” He sighed, leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees.

“Well, I’m guessing that whatever they did to him in the base in the Alps was something similar to the serum. He hasn’t aged as far as I can tell, from the reports, anyway.” He struggled to try and stick to telling her things that he would be reasonably be expected to know. His heart rate was starting to accelerate though. This line of questioning made him wonder if she knew anything.

“Is the serum alone enough to keep that from happening? We know Steve hasn’t aged, but he was under the ice.”

“I don’t know, the notes about the serum are so jumbled and we can only guess the kind of side-effects it had. Trying to figure out the science on this one is like trying to find your way through a cave with no flashlight.”

“If you had to guess, Tony.” He heaved a heavy sigh. James had only confirmed what he had always thought anyway, that HYDRA kept him in cryofreeze when they didn’t need him. Sadistic bastards.

“No, I don’t think the serum was enough. I think HYDRA found a way to suspend him in a way.”

“That’s what I think, too. And it would explain why there are gaps in history between his confirmed hits.”

“So is that what you think happened? That HYDRA put him in ‘storage’?” His heart was heavy, he didn’t want that to be the truth. Didn’t even want to acknowledge the thought out loud. He couldn’t help James if he were frozen in some facility somewhere. And what if being frozen meant altering his memories? Or meant that the brainwashing could take over again? Any process that James had made on his own since meeting Steve during that whole mess would be lost. James had taken the risk of going back to HYDRA after saving Steve. He told Tony once that he needed to find more information about the years he didn’t remember, about what HYDRA did, so that he could take them down once and for all. Tony had all but begged James to not go back, to let Tony help him from the outside so he didn’t have to be in that much danger, but James had insisted it was the only way.

“Maybe,” Natasha said thoughtfully, interrupting his thoughts. “But I don’t think so. HYDRA can’t really afford to lose their best asset, not right now when we have been hunting down all of their bases. But it is…concerning that there’s been no activity.” The words weren’t reassuring. They brought to light the other possibility that Tony had been trying not to think about: the HYDRA had simply decided to get rid of James altogether. Natasha placed a hand on Tony’s. Her skin was warmed from her coffee mug and her skin was smooth, something that always surprised Tony.

“I’m sure that HYDRA is just trying to be cautious and is simply keeping him out of the public eye.” Her expression was supportive and kind. Tony furrowed his brow, confused by her intentions. It felt like she was reassuring him for some reason, but that could only be true if she thought he needed comfort about this. No one should have any reason to know about James’ visits to the tower. Though, if anyone would know anything, it would be Natasha. He didn’t say anything, didn’t trust himself to know what to say. He felt like he had already told her all she wanted to know without even saying anything. She straightened up and took her mug with her.

“Will you do me a favor?” He nodded.

“Check into our list of HYDRA bases. See which ones have unreasonable power usage. I have a hunch about something.”

“I’ll have JARVIS look into it.” Tony replied, watching her go, still trying to figure out where he stood.

“Thanks, Tony!” She responded cheerfully as she walked out the door.

“Uh, JARVIS?” Tony said, still staring after her.

“Yes, Sir?”

“Should I be worried about that?” Tony asked, hoping his A.I. knew what he meant, even if he wasn’t totally sure what that was.

“I think, Sir, that it would be prudent to assume that Agent Romanoff always knows more than you think.” Tony raised an eyebrow and looked toward one of the cameras, saying nothing for a minute. He then nodded decisively and turned back to his work.

“Point taken.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: Man, this chapter kind of got away from me. Sorry if it seems a little all over the place. Stuff just happened! Also…I did some research for this chapter, but it was super cursory, so please forgive me any inaccuracies. I’m also leaving some things vague on purpose because while I know where I want all the characters to be emotionally, locations and specifics are a little fuzzy right now. Also, since it’s kind of AU anyway…I do what I want. So please just bear with me, hopefully it all works out in the end.

Tony strolled into the communal kitchen on the main Avengers floor. He had an empty mug in one hand and was dressed down, having just come from the lab. Natasha was sitting at one corner of the counter top island while Clint and Thor loudly cooked at the stove, laughing about something. Bruce sat in the breakfast nook with a cup of tea and a scientific journal.

“Well good morning, sunshine,” Bruce said wryly.

“Brucie Bear, it’s like you never seen me in the morning.” Tony replied cheerily. Bruce laughed.

“Not at normal people morning hours, at least.” Tony scoffed as Bruce chuckled to himself. Tony made his way over to the coffee maker, studiously avoiding looking at the stove—it was sure to be a disaster. Having gotten his dose of liquid life, he meandered over to Natasha’s side and threw himself onto the stool next to her.

“And how’s my favorite super spy?”

“Tony! I am great! Just trying to teach a god how to cook—it’s a struggle,” Clint shouted over the noise.

“Not talking to you birdbrain!” Tony volleyed back as Natasha hid a snicker behind her mug.

“Shield brother, I am most offended that you believe I cannot cook. I must defend my honor!”

“Oye! No honor battles in the kitchen! And Thor, quit talking like you learned English from Ye Olden Times, we all know that’s a front.” Thor boomed out a laugh.

“Aye, but it fills me with joy, Man of Iron!” Tony rolled his eyes and looked back at Natasha, leaving the two idiots to their mess.

“What’s up?” She asked quietly.

“You know that thing you asked me to check up on?” Natasha simply raised an eyebrow and waited.

“At first, there was nothing. I mean, we all know all the bases are working overtime to create whatever ridiculous weapons they’re working on now since we oh so helpfully helped them downsize, but none of them seemed out of the ordinary. So then I started digging into their supplies and suppliers and that’s where it got interesting. HYDRA has been moving a massive amount of stuff from somewhere in the Sudan to Europe, but the cargo just…disappears along the way.” Natasha’s brow furrows slightly.

“So you don’t know where it is?” Tony grinned, showmanship in full-force now.

“Oh, I didn’t say that, Nat. The cargo appears to disappear, but we’re talking massive amounts of weaponry and materials, stuff like that doesn’t just get ‘lost.’ So I looked into smaller transports, less trackable and not through major channels. I had JARVIS run the footage in smaller cities to track HYDRA vehicles transferring crates to other, unmarked vehicles—no one can hide from my A.I. From there I had to follow payment through small villages—no small feat mind you, especially when their technology over there is shit—and guess where it all led?” Tony paused dramatically and Natasha just gave him the blankest look she could manage. He laughed and surrendered.

“Okay, okay. Remember how we talked about the Soldier’s possible point of origin as far as the serum goes?”

“The base in the Alps?”

“Right between Kitzbühel and Klagenfurt.”

“But Cap said Schmidt leveled that factory, they almost didn’t make it out.”

“I know and that is what it looks like. Even now JARVIS’ satellite images of the place just show ruined, burned out buildings and next to no movement.” Natasha’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

“But the heat signatures tell a different story. Apparently that area is full of natural caves, but the scans show that those caves are much bigger and there’s a ton of activity below the surface.” Natasha’s eyes were wide, a clear sign that Tony had managed to truly surprise her.

“So they rebuilt the base below ground.”

“That’s my guess. It looks way bigger than any of the others we’ve found so far, so I have to think it’s some kind of headquarters. It also looks like they are gathering enough weapons and materials to start something.” She looked down at her hands, deep in thought.

“It would be an ideal hiding spot for their biggest asset,” She said quietly. Tony nodded, he had thought of that too. He’d also wondered without trying to think too hard if James remembered the place from before, when he was still himself and not the Winter Soldier. He didn’t like to think about it too closely.

“What are we going to tell Cap?” She looked back up at Tony and he sighed.

“I think we have to tell him, don’t you? Even if it’s not where J—Bucky is, it’s still part of Steve’s “take down HYDRA” mission. Getting rid of a base this size would have to help us get the upper hand finally, right?” Tony hoped Natasha hadn’t noticed his slip, but he knew that was pointless to wish. At least she didn’t seem ready to say anything about it.

“I think we need more intel before we involve Steve. You know how he is, he’ll want to go in guns blazing right away and if what you say is true, we’d be overrun in no time.”

“Agreed. I’ll have JARVIS continue to monitor the area. Do you have anyone on the ground near there?” She tilted her head thoughtfully.

“I have a couple that might work, I’ll contact them tonight.” Tony nodded and the two of them moved into more basic conversation. Inwardly, Tony worried about the ramifications of their actions. When they managed to attack the base, what if James wasn’t there? HYDRA would become more desperate the more they lost. Tony wouldn’t put it past them to do something drastic to cover up their past actions. He wanted to find a way to ensure that James was at the base or if not, figure out where he was so he could find a way to get him out. James always said that he’d have to be the one to get himself out, but Tony didn’t agree. He worried that James was too deep in the organization and he was just one man, super soldier serum or not. There was no way he’d win the fight if they all turned on him. He wanted more than anything to be able to come up with a plan that ensured the man’s safety and didn’t want to think about the fact that the thought of James in danger left him breathless.

Sam and Steve walking into the kitchen disrupted Tony’s thoughts. The pair were sweaty and laughing, though Sam was worse off than Steve.

“Man, you know that ‘On your left’ shit gets old, ya jerk.” Same collapsed onto one of the stools near Tony and Steve chuckled.

“Here, drink some water before you pass out on me,” Steve handed him a bottle from the fridge. Sam just flipped him off as he started drinking.

“Language!” Shouted Tony and Bruce.

“You know I swear, too, right?” Steve said, his face reddening slightly, but with a grain still on his face. “I was in the army.”

“Yeah, okay, Capsicle. Whatever you say.” The rest of the team in the kitchen chuckled along and Steve just shook his head.

“Friends! Clinton and I have created a feast for you!” Thor boomed as he and Clint set several dishes around the island. Most of it actually looked pretty good, some really amazing looking scrambles, meets, and French toast. The rest of the kitchen was a disaster, but it was worth it. Everyone piled their plates with food and they sat around the kitchen, talking and laughing with one another. Tony basked in the happy feeling, trying to stay present with the rest of them. He wondered what it would be like to have James with them and realized with a jolt that it would feel a lot like the home he never really had.

“You okay, Tony?” Steve asked him quietly. His face scrunched up in that concerned way of his. Tony internally shook himself.

“Just fine, Cap. Pepper emailed earlier about the board getting antsy for new products, so I was working on some designs in my head.” Tony smiled and tried to make it as genuine as possible. Either Steve was fooled by it or was kind enough to let it go.

“You do too much, you know?”

“Ah, it’s my job, Cap. Someone’s gotta keep us funded. Plus, it’s no big deal to just throw some new things their way every quarter. Not as exciting as our gear, but a nice easy break.” Steve smiled, but shook his head. He turned back to the others and Tony let his smile fall. He hated lying to the man. He just knew that someday, somehow, Steve would find out and their friendship that they’d worked so hard for would be ruined. On the other hand, he knew he would do anything for James. He tried not to think about what that meant. Eventually, Tony quietly slipped out of the kitchen and back down to the workshop. He had work to do.

“J?” Asked Tony as he strode into the workshop.

“Yes, Sir?”

“I need you to do some extra digging on that base we found underground. Get me any information you can on it: plans, schedules, times of activity, heat signatures, people coming in and out, the works. Go through the S.H.E.I.L.D. files that were dumped on the internet and see if there’s anything there. I want to know everything we can get our hands on.

“Of course, Sir.”

“Pull up the arm design while you’re at it.” Tony got to work as JARVIS began running through all the information he could find.

 

…

 

Tony had been working for hours by the time he heard a noise in the back of his workshop. He waved at JARVIS to pause the music and looked into the gloomy corner. There was an odd scuffling sound and something that sounded like…wheezing?

“J? Lights 5%.” The back was illuminated and Tony saw James slumped against the wall just before his legs gave out and he slid to the ground.

“James!” Tony sprinted to the other man’s side. He was still breathing, thank god, but he looked bad. Worse than Tony had ever seen him.

“J!” Tony said frantically as he ran his hands over James to check for wounds.

“Heart rate is elevated, breathing is abnormal, four cracked ribs, a possible concussion, a rather deep stab wound in his side, and his left arm is in serious condition,” JARVIS replied, not as smoothly as the A.I. had clearly tried for.

“Shit, shit, shit. DUM-E, I need the first aid kit and I need it like, five minutes ago!” The frantic note in Tony’s voice was getting worse and his eyes were cataloging the various cuts on the man’s face and body. DUM-E rolled over to their sides a few minutes later with the enormous first aid kit box Tony had begun keeping in the workshop at Bruce’s insistence. He was grateful for it now, though he didn’t think that he could fix this.

“James? James!” Tony cried trying to get the other man’s attention. James’ face creased with the effort, his whole body shuddering with pain, but he eventually opened his eyes. James’ pale blue eyes looked hazy, but he focused on Tony’s face.

“Котенок,” he said roughly. Tony giggled slightly hysterically.

“Hey handsome.” Tony said with a watery smile. He supported James’ weight in his arms as he looked at the man’s face. “Not going to lie, you’re giving me a heart attack here.”

“Sorry, I didn’ know where else t’ go,” came the somewhat slurred response.

“No, hey, it’s okay. We’ve just got to fix you up. You came to the right place, yeah? I fix things.” Tony was practically babbling and pep-talking himself now. He was reminded of the more urgent issue when he felt his jeans become damp.

“Oh shit—your side. Hang on,” He held James with one arm carefully while he dug through the box. “J? Ideas on the best way to do this?” The A.I. hesitated.

“Without medical attention, that—”

“No! No, Tony, you can’ tell anyone ’m here. An’ no hospital!” There was panic in his voice and Tony wanted to scream with frustration.

“I am _not_ letting you bleed out here, I’m just not. Don’t ask me to do that.” James reached up a hand and put it on Tony’s face.

“I’ll be fine. I always heal up eventually, somethin’ they did way back in the war.”

“Yeah, but it’s probably never been this bad,” Tony muttered to himself. He found some gauze and medical bandages.

“I’m going to lay you down, okay?” James nodded and Tony pressed the gauze to his side, using a firm pressure. James winced and Tony said a quick apology. He kept up the pressure until the gauze turned red with blood. Panic wormed its way further in his chest, but he tried to keep it together. He found some more and applied pressure again.

“So how did you manage this, huh?” Trying to distract them both from the situation. “Did you run into another tank?” James laughed a little before coughing.

“Nah, just…my target knew I was coming. Not sure how, but he had upped the security, so what should have been a one-man mission...Well, I made it out, but only barely. HYDRA can’t risk picking me up, so I have to make my own way back. But I knew I wouldn’t make it like this.” Tony gritted his teeth. The bleeding had slowed, for now, so he lifted James again so he could bind his ribs.

“This is going to hurt like a bitch, but it has to be tight to deal with the blood and to keep your ribs in place. You’re lucky they haven’t punctured your lung.” James groaned and coughed again, pain wracking his entire body. He wasn’t used to feeling this way. When HYDRA’s brainwashing was in full effect pain didn’t ever seem to touch him. He almost missed it. Tony gently put him back down on the floor, assessing the situation further. The arm was in really bad shape, but it would take a long time to fix.

“How long do you have?”

“Dunno, I probably have to be back sometime in the next two days.” James’ breathing was labored and his eyes were clenched shut.

“Okay, okay. I can work with that. DUM-E, I need my tools and the power pack from the safe next to the servers.” The bot whirred and rolled away. Tony focused back on James and began cleaning up some of the more shallow cuts. He noticed that some of them were beginning to look smaller. He prayed to the universe that the serum, or whatever it was, would work fast enough to heal the bigger problems.

“I’m guess giving you pain pills wouldn’t work, huh?” James shook his head.

“I wish, but no. They don’t even touch me.”

“I guess there are some downsides to looking like a god.” Tony laughed halfheartedly. James smiled hazily.

“Hah, funny, Tin-man.” He winced as Tony began to inspect the damage to the arm.

“Sorry, sorry. This is a mess.” DUM-E finally rolled back to them and Tony got to work with his tools, trying to be as delicate as possible.

“I fixed the power problem. I’m going to install in now, if I can. It’ll fit right in with all the other crap they put in there, but it’ll run way better and you won’t have to worry about it.” James’ eyes flew open in surprise.

“You…fixed it?”

“Of course I did. Are you doubting me James? That’s rude. Have you looked around you at all? Do I not blow your mind with all of my tech?” Tony was babbling as he gingerly worked his way through the damaged plates to open the arm vents. James watched the genius at work. He realized that Tony must have had the power source ready to go all this time. He felt the guilt rise up in him, remembering his promise to himself not to come back here. Well, that plan had been shot to shit anyway. He shouldn’t be here at all, especially not in this state. But when he’d been lying on the ground outside the burning compound, trying not to pass out, he could only think of one place he wanted to be. One place that always felt safe. He cursed himself for being weak, but couldn’t quite bring himself to fully regret giving in to his weakness as he felt Tony’s gentle touches.

“I never doubt you, Tony,” he found himself saying. He hadn’t meant to, but his guard was always weaker around the other man. Tony froze for a moment, neck and ears flushing slightly. He began working again, avoiding James’ eyes.

“Well good, I would have been offended. I am a genius after all.” He was trying for a haughty tone, but he missed it by a mile. James allowed a small smile to crease his face.

“Of course, genius.” Tony huffed a laugh and got back to work.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, it has been a month, let me tell you. Sorry for the delay—life got in the way, I’m sure you know how that goes—but hopefully the next update will be sooner! Again, let me just remind you that this is AUish because I’m doing what I want with the timeline because I’m still trying to make myself feel better about certain events that happened in the movies. Anyway, enjoy some Tony/James interaction! I love these boys (even if they are both stubborn as hell…actually because of that, let’s be honest). Happy reading!

Tony looked over at the man sleeping on the couch in his workshop. He’d finished fixing what he could a couple of hours ago and now James was resting. He looked more fragile than Tony had ever seen him and it made his chest feel heavy and constricted. He knew that JARVIS was monitoring James’ vitals, but he still kept his eyes glued to the movement of the slow rising and falling of the other man’s chest as if looking away would make James stop breathing. He’d had to just get rid of the clothes he’d been wearing, the blood had made his stomach drop like it never had around blood before. He was curled up in a rolling chair in loose-fitting sweats and an equally worn hoodie.

“J?” Tony’s voice seemed loud in the space, which was actually quiet for once. Even the bots seems subdued, like they were trying to keep quiet as well.

“All vitals are within expected parameters, Sir. It seems that Sergeant Barnes’ capabilities at least appear to match Captain Rogers’, if not surpass them. His blood pressure is stabilized. He was lucky that whatever caused the wound somehow missed all of his organs and did not hit a majority artery. He should heal just fine, barring any surprising complications.” JARVIS’ voice was soft and kind and Tony let out a breath that had been trapped in his chest.

“Okay, that’s…okay. Good.” He nodded to himself, but didn’t move from his vigil. “And the power source?”

“Functioning perfectly, Sir.” Tony’s shoulders dipped just a little more. At least one thing was doing what it was supposed to be. Tony couldn’t say the same for his own power source. Oh sure, the reactor was fine, but his heart…that hurt. It felt like the same tightening, sharp pain that came with heart failure with the arc reactor was failing. He kept rubbing his chest as though that would remind his heart to beat normally, to not feel pain this way. _He was fine_ , Tony kept reminding himself. James was fine, safe in his lab and breathing, not bleeding out on the floor. Every time James’ chest rose felt like another breath Tony could allow himself to take, as though James were a breathing machine that was breathing for Tony. Tony didn’t know when this had happened, when James coming in with injuries made Tony’s world feel like it was going to end.

James had come in looking bad before, never quite this bad, but the wounds and blood weren’t exactly new. What was new was Tony’s reaction to it. It had completely taken over his mind’s processes. He couldn’t even think about anything else. He’d originally tried fiddling with different projects that he needed to finish, but he couldn’t make sense of anything. Engineering, inventing, fixing things usually helped soothed the chaotic whorl in his head, but today…today he felt lost in the storm. Adrift with only the rise and fall of James’ chest to hold on to. He knew this wasn’t good, knew what this meant. Playfully flirting with the man was one thing, but this…this was a whole different kind of situation. One that probably would end in Tony getting hurt, again.

James jolted awake, instantly going into Winter Soldier mode without a thought. Tony startled out of his thoughts and leaned forward, but stayed where he was, just in case.

“Your name is James Barnes, you’re in Tony Stark’s workshop, my workshop, in New York in the Avengers’ Tower. You’re okay now, but you came in with a lot of injuries. Do you remember?” Tony’s voice was even and calm, though he could feel his heart racing beneath the reactor. He saw the moment that James was more…well, James again. His eyes cleared and he realized that he must have been in some pain because he winced slightly. Tony rushed forward.

“Hey, hey, bionic man, easy. Please don’t mess up all my hard work, yeah? You were a bit of a mess when you came in.” Tony hovered just within reach, wanting to make sure that James wouldn’t lash out because he was still not fully himself.

“I’m sorry,” James whispered in Russian. He was staring at his hands, shaking slightly.

“No apology needed, Медвежонок.” That at least got a huff of a laugh from the man.

“Only you would call an assassin working for HYDRA a Teddy bear. There is something seriously wrong with you, Tin Man.” James’ breathing was still too fast and shallow, but the fact that he was making jokes was a good sign. Tony knelt down in front of the couch and put his hand on James’ bare forearm, providing a grounding kind of contact. James looked at him from underneath his curtain of hair.

“Yeah, well, I’m about as irreverent as it gets. It’s part of my charm.” Tony’s tone was full of confidence, but his smile was soft and genuine.

“Charm, right.” James huffed. He took a deeper breath, but it was clearly still not a painless process.

“How are your ribs and side feeling?”

“Like I got thrown against a wall and then stabbed.” Tony blinked, pausing for a beat.

“Well, that was blunt. So, hurts just as bad?” James shook his head.

“No, I can feel like healing itself. It just might take a while.”

“It was pretty deep.” Tony responded with a slight admonishment in his voice. James shook his hair out of his face and covered Tony’s hand with his own.

“Thank you, Котенок. I know I…I know it wasn’t.” He stopped, a little frustrated with himself. “I know coming here wasn’t the best idea.” Tony melted a little on the inside, but kept a straight face.

“Well a _hospital_ would have been the best place, but barring that…here was a good choice.” He rubbed a thumb across James’ skin. It felt very warm. James always ran hotter than normal humans, Steve did too. It was just one more clue in favor of HYDRA having had some kind of serum of their own back in the day. It was just a mystery why it didn’t seem to have been replicated since.

“It would be even _better_ if Bruce could take a look.” He wasn’t looking up at James anymore, but he felt it the instant the other man tensed up, the muscles and tendons beneath his hand going rigid as James froze.

“Tony, I can’t…” Tony sighed.

“I know, it needs to be kept a secret. Although the _why_ is still a little bit beyond me. We could help you, you know. Taking down HYDRA is kind of like our job these days.” James tightened his hold on Tony’s hand.

“It’s just too dangerous right now. Too many variables. I’m trying though, I really am.”

“I know, James, I just wish you would let someone…let _me_ …help you.” James looked down at the top of Tony’s head, fear blooming in his chest. Tony was the reason he didn’t want the Avengers to get involved. He knew the man could handle himself; hell, he had an entire team of superheroes to help him, but the thought of something happening to Tony made James go cold with panic. Tony had been responsible for helping bring him back to himself. Steve had triggered his memories, but only Tony had made him feel human again. Coming here the first time had been an enormous risk, but the engineer had made him feel…safe and had talked to him like he would anyone else, like it didn’t matter that James had been a mind-controlled monster for decades. James knew that he wouldn’t have been able to break this far through his programming without Tony. Even when he was deep in HYRDA, just the thought of Tony helped him to hang on to his humanity. He wasn’t back to being who he was when Steve knew him, would never be that man again and couldn’t be, but he was finding who he was now. Tony was helping him learn himself. The thought of the brilliant man in the clutches of HYDRA made him want to break something or fall apart. He must have been silent for too long because Tony looked up at him again. His deep brown eyes almost looked pleading.

“You’re not alone. Not anymore.” James felt an unfamiliar, or long forgotten maybe, emotion welling up in him. It made him hurt in a way that had nothing to do with his injuries. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Tony’s, his eyes closing against the other man’s plea. It was too much and James didn’t know what to do with all of it. This was the closest they’d ever been to each other, despite the fact that they were constantly dancing around this invisible line between friends and something else entirely. It was a heady feeling, but it came with its own ache, too. The empty feeling that curled itself between his ribs and left him feeling hollow when he realized he couldn’t cross the line between them. Not like this.

“Котенок.” He whispered, his voice full of more feeling than Tony had ever heard from him. He felt Tony sigh more than he heard it. It was a quiet, disappointed thing.

“Okay, I won’t push. Not right now.” Tony rubbed his forehead against James’, his wild curls ticking James’ skin and then he pulled away. James felt the loss immediately, but forced himself to let it go and open his eyes.

“You’ve been here for about 10 hours. JARVIS says you’re stable, for now, but more rest would not hurt. What do you need?” Tony left the question so open-ended on purpose, willing to give the other man anything he could. James considered his options. He had to get back to base and he needed to cover his tracks entirely, making it so no one could even begin to guess where he’d been in all this lost time. He also knew that his failing of the mission would come with heavy consequences, so being more healed would be key. He hoped like hell that they wouldn’t choose to freeze him. He wasn’t sure he could fight through the programming again if that were the case. The thought of losing himself, and Tony, all over again felt worse than whatever physical pain HYRDA would cause as a result of his failure.

“J can keep the lab on lockdown for at least another few hours before the others get really nosy and desperate.” Tony told him, letting him know that he still had a safe house for a while yet.

“I need civilian clothes. And food,” he admitted sheepishly. Tony quirked a smile and nodded.

“J? Can you handle that?”

“Anything for you, Sir. Sergeant Barnes, any requests?”

“Just something that’ll last and maybe a few things I can pack with me. For clothes it doesn’t matter, anything that’ll blend in.”

“Right away, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Thanks, JARVIS.” James said quietly. He looked back at Tony. Tony turned his hand upwards so he could hold James’ as he looked at him. This was new, but it felt like coming home anyway.

“You have some time, then.” Tony murmured. James smiled slightly and stroked the side of Tony’s hand with his thumb.

“Can’t get rid of me that easily, Tin Man.” James smirked and Tony huffed out a laugh before turning slightly serious.

“I don’t want to, you know,” Tony said softly. James felt his breath catch in his chest. This thing between them kept getting more complicated and James felt like the two of them were just entangling themselves further. It would make leaving painful, more so than it ever used to be. James knew that this is why he’d tried to stay away, but when he’d been laying on the ground and bleeding out all he could think of was Tony. The engineer had become his safe haven and James knew that was a huge weakness that HYDRA would not hesitate to exploit and destroy if they knew. He was treading dangerous ground and didn’t know where the landmines were. Flirting with the man had been easy, had felt like reclaiming some of his past self: the man who’d won over girls with a crooked smile and an easy charm. Somewhere along the way though, he had started to mean what he was saying—had started to care about Tony and his well being beyond just caring for him as someone who had helped him.

“Tony…we can’t—not like,” James stopped, the words stuck in his throat. It’s not like either man had really said anything, there’d been no confessions and no physical touches beyond holding hands and grounding contact, but James knew that they were both aware of the simmering _something_ that ran between them now and charged their every interaction. Tony smiled winningly and James recognized it as his public smile, but unlike everyone else that it fooled, he could see the sadness and hesitation behind it. It was something in Tony’s eyes, his brilliant brown and amber. James had often kept eye contact with Tony, studying his eyes. It wasn’t something he was allowed to do at HYDRA, not that he had wanted to, and so the contact was comforting somehow. And Tony had always held it, no matter how long James had kept it up and no matter the expression on James’ face, Tony had always just looked right back. Right now he could see the darker lines of pigmentation in his eyes, particularly the left one, and he knew the other man didn’t mean the smile. His eyes were always lighter in color when he was really happy.

“Well fine, the Avengers will just have to redouble our efforts and help you fully take down HYDRA. It’s on the to-do list anyway, I’ll just give them a couple of nudges.” Tony stood and made to walk away, but James held his hand firmly.

“Tony, HYDRA is more dangerous than you realize, you can’t—”

“Yeah, I’m going to cut you off there,” Tony interrupted and turned around. This time his smile seemed a little more real. “We know HYDRA is a bunch of class-A bastards. They infiltrated SHIELD from the beginning, which the good Captain so helpfully found out. So now we know their aim to take over the world, right? I’m guessing they’re still aiming high and looking through government agencies would be advised. Plus, I’m just really going to keep enjoying taking down every single base we find. I know they are all about that ‘Cut off one head and two more will take its place’ bullshit, but we’re going to obliterate every head, arm, leg, whatever we find. If we find the one with you along the way by accident, even better. I’m not giving up on you, James. I wasn’t scared away by you bleeding out in my workshop, so I am sure as hell not going to be scared away by some leftover Nazi psychos with crazy ideals. I’m just not.” James sat stunned as Tony finished his little rant with a confident smirk. This man was so different than any one he’d ever met and James wanted to keep him. The realization rocked through him so fiercely it was like waking up from an electric shock. He just wasn’t sure how to do that, especially when his fear of HYDRA and what they could do to this brilliant man went bone deep.  

“Tony.” He said firmly, but didn’t get the chance to finish.

“Hey, you forget I’ve got a whole team of superheroes behind me: two master spies, who by the way scare the shit out of the rest of us and they are human okay; one brilliant scientist with an alter-ego who literally takes our breath away with his anger issues; a living legend, who, despite being the biggest stick in the mud sometimes, seriously lives up to the legend AND has practice punching Nazis and has a very personal vendetta against HYDRA as I’m sure you know, it’s a serious plus; and a LITERAL thunder god! A god, James! What even is my life anymore? Plus, there’s me and if anyone is going to enjoy taking the bad guys to task on this one, it’s me. Also, I have JARVIS, he’s kind of a bad ass in case you haven’t figured that out. More genius than me and with way more internet and surveillance access.”

“Thank you, sir,” JARVIS responded primly. Tony smiled and then knelt back down to James’ level.

“So, see? It’s not just me running after HYDRA because they piss me off. Although, believe me, they do. We’ll have a plan and back-up. You shouldn’t worry so much.”

“I’ll worry anyway, Котенок.”

“You’re such a mother hen. Is that a 40s thing? You’re as bad as Steve, I swear.”

“Where do you think the punk learned it from?” James had a smirk on his face, the first one in a while since they began this tangent.

“Ah, it all makes sense now. Yeah, I bet you did mother the hell out of poor Tiny Steve.” Tony laughed at the image and James just had to smile. Something like hope was bubbling up in him, but he didn’t want to examine it too closely. He’d gone there before, but it had been decades since he’d had any reason to believe in something so fragile.

“You’re kind of crazy, Tin Man,” he said quietly. Tony just raised an eyebrow at him.

“You’re just now figuring this out? I though you super spies were supposed to be smart.” James just chuckled and held Tony’s hand a little tighter. He could give himself this for now. For now, he could let the hope just glow in his chest. For now, he could have Tony.


	6. Chapter 6

A noise from above startled the both of them and they reluctantly let go of each other’s hands. They stood up and looked to the ceiling above them.

“Damn, they are nosier than I thought they would be by now,” Tony said.

“Only ‘cause they care, Tin Man.” James’ lip was quirked up on one side.

“Yeah, yeah. Do your freaky spy thing and disappear into the shadows or something. J, it’s okay, don’t close the vent access.” A few minutes went by and then Clint dropped out of the vents.

“Full lockdown, Tones? What gives?”

“Maybe I’m just busy, birdbrain.” Tony quipped back as he hurriedly brought up some random hologram designs. He manipulated them in the air without looking Clint’s way.

“Oh, the meaner nickname, huh?” Clint leaned against a table nearby, folding his arms across his chest. The posture screamed ‘casual,’ but Tony knew what that really meant.

“Trying to get rid of me? You know that won’t fly, Tones.” Tony scoffed and kept working on his design. Not really even thinking about it at this point. Clint couldn’t tell exactly what it was, though he was starting to get an idea. There were so many complicated, yet unrelated math problems on it that he knew it had to be bullshit.

“You okay, Tony?” Clint looked at him critically, with all of his sniper focus. It was incredibly unnerving.

“Yeah, Hawkass, just busy and insomnia is kicking my ass as always. Why?”

“Because I’m pretty sure that’s a design for a rocket engine for DUM-E and we all know what a fucking disaster that would be.” Tony paused mid-movement, caught. He quickly scanned the design—Clint was right. Shit, he needed to find something more convincing—and less dangerous—to pull up when others were around. If he wasn’t careful, he’d end up actually blackout engineering the thing and that _would_ be bad. DUM-E chirped in the corner, sounding hopeful.

“Damn. Yeah, no, Legolas is right. No fire power for you.” DUM-E hung his arm sadly and Tony swiped the design away, finally looking Clint in the eyes.

“All right, what is it?”

“You’re wearing the MIT hoodie.” It seemed like such a non-sequitur that Tony just blinked slowly at Clint before responding.

“So?”

“Soooo, something must be wrong. You only wear it when you’re worried about something.”

“I do not!” Tony sounded affronted. “It’s a comfy! And it was just around! It doesn’t actually mean anything.”

“Yeah, remember when you had Palladium poisoning? Nat said you wore it all the time then.”

“Again, and I can’t emphasize this enough, I don’t think I can be held accountable for what I did while I was _dying_.” Clint kept talking and ignored the outburst.

“Or the time when you were cleaning up after the whole S.H.I.E.L.D./HYDRA incident.”

“It was just down here in my workshop. I was too busy to worry about laundry!”

“Or when Bruce was hospitalized after—” Tony interrupted him, knowing where this was going and knowing that he was caught.”

“Okay, okay, so maybe I do. You’ve picked up on that trick, have you?”

“I mean, I know I play dumb for the baby agents sometimes, but I wasn’t a top S.H.I.E.L.D. agent for nothing.” Tony’s gaze softened.

“I know, Clint. You let everyone think it was just because of your skills with a bow, but really you’re just as skilled as Nat.”

“You’ve picked up on that trick, have you?” Clint parroted back sarcastically. “But back to the nice names, you still love me then.” Clint was smiling now and Tony couldn’t help but smile back.

“Always, man.” Clint grinned again and then shrugged when Tony didn’t look like he would speak again.

“Well, you’ll tell me whatever it is you’re hiding when you’re ready. For now though, I’m going to suggest that you actually lock up the vents—not just make them noisier—after I leave before someone more persistent notices that they’re open. Though I appreciate that you didn’t really block them in the first place, makes me feel all special, like you don’t mind if I get in and talk to you.”  Tony’s answering smile was softer this time despite the sarcastic reply that came out of his mouth.

“Yeah, okay, enough with the mushy stuff. Get going, I have stuff to do.” Clint saluted him and jumped back up into the vents. Tony listened until he heard him leave the workshop vents.

“J, you can lock them down now.”

“Of course, sir.” Tony shook his head as he wandered back to the main bank of benches.

“I’ll never understand how he just levitates back into the ceiling.” James appeared from wherever he was hiding and chuckled lowly.

“It’s those thigh muscles—all that crouching has to be good for something.” Tony laughed and nodded his head.

“Fair point, the man is almost never standing like a human. Also has a thing for scaring the shit out of me at two am. Must be a spy thing.”

“Well, you know, if you’d sleep at normal times you wouldn’t be up at two am to be scared.”

“Shut it, handsome. Just because you’re good looking doesn’t mean I’m not offended.” James laughed softly.

“You sure I can’t just bat my eyelashes at you?” The man actually did it. Tony was stunned. And that was his face heating up, dammit. He quickly turned to go find the first aid kit again.

“Tony Stark, are you actually _blushing_?” The man’s voice sounded almost gleeful. Tony’s face was warm in a way it hadn’t been in actual decades.

“Nope,” said Tony, popping the ‘p’ sound, “definitely not. I am a Stark and we do not blush.” James just laughed, which only made the situation _worse_. Shit, Tony really needed to get a handle on these… _feelings_. He was not twelve. He was a grown ass man, god dammit!

“A grown ass man whose face totally matches the color of his suit, yes.” Apparently, Tony was in hell. That must be it, that must be why he apparently had no thought to mouth filter. Jesus, what was his life anymore? Tony took a deep breath, focusing on keeping his mouth shut and cooling off his face. He took out fresh gauze and bandages.

“Shut up and show me your side.” James’ mouth quirked up on one side.

“Oh, well if you insist.” He pulled his shirt off one-handed, and seemed to be smirking and…flexing?! Tony blinked and tried not to look at James’ body, really he tried. He was only human though, okay? And now that James was no longer dying in front of him, it was incredibly difficult not to look. James cleared his throat.

“See something you like?” Tony’s brain felt like it was rebooting and he couldn’t move. Thankfully, DUM-E rolled behind him and shoved him toward James. He’d have to remember to thank the bot later, for once.

“Would be better without the gaping hole in the side,” Tony tried to snark back. Seeing James’ smile made him realize that he totally failed. This was so not his night for many reasons. He was starting to realize that he was so screwed. He ignored his burning face and sort of (gently) shoved James to one of the workbenches, which the man obligingly hopped up on. He unwrapped the bandages, trying not to flinch when he saw some of them had been bled through. The wound was red, angry, and still deeper than he’d like.

“What’s the damage?” James said, not unkindly, but Tony still made a face.

“Well you kind of look like you got stabbed with rebar, not a knife as I was assuming.” The silence was not encouraging. Tony stilled.

“To be fair, I never did say what stabbed me, just that it happened after I hit the wall.”

“I’m trying very hard not to kill you.”

“Seems kinda counterproductive, doll.”

“Your cute Brooklyn accent won’t get you out of this one, idiot. Rebar? Seriously? You’re not doing a whole lot to convince me that I shouldn’t just put the lab on lockdown so you can’t go back to those psychotic assholes who just send you into dangerous situations without any backup!” He was _maybe_ yelling a little. It was hard to tell over the pounding of his heart.

“Tony—”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘HYDRA is dangerous’ bullshit. Got it.” He was tense and angry, but his hands were still gentle as he checked the stitching job he’d done under JARVIS’ instructions and covered it up again with new gauze and bandages. James was quiet, even his body language had gone still. Tony finished what he was doing, but stared at the table as he spoke.

“You’ll probably want to wait long enough for the stitches to fall out so they can’t tell someone else did the job. It’s still deeper than I’m comfortable with, but it does seem like your accelerated healing rate is still working. J?”

“Scans are returning to normal parameters, Sir.” Tony nodded, throwing away the bloodied gauze and returning everything else to the kit. James’ put a hand on Tony’s shoulder, tugging slightly. He left it up to Tony to follow or pull away, but Tony helplessly fell into the space between James’ thighs. Suddenly there were warm arms around him and Tony’s face was nestled into James’ bare chest, so close he could hear the man’s heartbeat. James just held him close for a few moments, until Tony wrapped his arms around James’ back, holding him just as close.

“Котенок, I did not mean to cause you pain,” James’ voice was a low rumble in his chest.

“You—”

“Shush,” James said. Tony immediately fell silent. “I know enough about you now to know that feeling helpless is pretty much the worst thing for you. I am sorry for how I’ve been acting. I wasn’t trying to make you feel worse.” James slid a hand up Tony’s back and into his hair, sliding through the strands slowly. Tony realized that his breathing was too fast and so he inhaled deeply through his nose. All he breathed in was James and it was more soothing that Tony felt like it had any right to be.

“You just,” Tony paused, considering how honest he was about to be for a moment, “scared me. It was a lot of blood. More than I’d ever seen from any of your injuries and I thought that I—that I wouldn’t be able to fix it. You. That I would fail.” The thought flowed out through his mouth and now that he was actually thinking about it and how real it had felt in the moment, he felt gutted. It was like that nightmare of his team dead because of him, but worse.

“You didn’t—”

“But I could have,” Tony interrupted fiercely.

“Котенок, there are so many things that could happen, but there’s no point dwelling on them. They’ll just consume you. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in all the possibilities that _could_ happen now that HYDRA is exposed and I’m getting my mind back. But I _can’t_ let myself go there, I can’t. It’s no way to survive, Tony. And not for you either. I know you think that working on upgrades and pushing yourself to exhaustion is the only way to outrun the terrible things that might happen, but it’s not sustainable and we have no way of knowing. It’s impossible to predict.”

“That’s why I prepare for _every_ possibility. I run and re-run the numbers until I have a plan for everything that might go wrong. I’m a futurist, James, that’s practically in my DNA.” Tony’s whole body was tense now.

“Tony, you and I both know that futurist line is just to cover up how terrified you are that you’ll lose everyone.” James’ voice was kind and soft, as if he was trying to soften the blow he knew he’d just dealt, but Tony felt it just as fully nonetheless. He flinched in James’ arms and tried to pull away. James held fast though, not trying to make eye contact, but just trying to keep the genius as close as possible.

“James, let me—” Tony tried pushing at James’ chest, but James only held on, grip still gentle.

“No, Tony, don’t run away from me right now.” The smaller man stilled, no longer trying to escape James’ arms. “Sometimes the amount of honesty I feel compelled to share with you scares the shit out of me too, but it’s all I have that feels real sometimes. Sometimes you are all I have that feels real.” Tony felt punched.

“All the more reason to prepare!”

“No, sweetheart, you’re not _listening_ to me. You’re real because you’re flawed, because you _could_ fail me, but you never have. That’s why I really came here. Not because I’m afraid that HYDRA would let me die, though I suspect that’s true, but because I know that you won’t. I know I scared you, but Котенок, I had every bit of faith that you would save me. That here in this workshop was the only safe place left on earth for me.”

Tony couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t. This much responsibility, this much trust from another person—from _James_ —was wrong. Tony had always let everyone down, hadn’t he? That’s why everyone always left in the end. That had to be it—it made sense. He was doomed to repeat the same mistakes and letting James down felt ten times worse than letting anyone else down somehow.

“James, I—I’m a fuck up. I may talk a big game, but” James cut him off there.

“Tony, stop. I know what you’re going to say. The thing is, I don’t buy any of it. I know _you_ think you’ll let me down, maybe that you always let everyone down, but the person who gets let down is you. You work so hard, always the smartest guy in the room, always working to have the answers because you think that’s what will make people stay. That people have to have something from you to stick around.” Tony was almost not breathing now. It felt like James was pulling all of these thoughts straight out of his head. James let his voice go softer.

“That’s not why I’m still here though. I don’t need anything from you but yourself—the way you bicker with your ‘bots, the way when you don’t sleep enough your eyes get too bright, the way your hands look when your welding, and how strong they are when they’re building and how gentle they are when you touch me.” James paused for a moment, running his hand through Tony’s hair again. “I just need you.” Tony felt simultaneously broken apart and put back together. All he ever wanted to hear from those he loved was coming out of James’ mouth and it was almost too much.

“I need you too, you know.” Tony murmured quietly, not really wanting to say it, but also he couldn’t help it. He never could keep secrets from James, not really. James inhaled slowly, taking a minute.

“I know. Even if I think you shouldn’t, I know.” They stood together like that for a long time afterward, not moving or speaking, just holding each other. Eventually, Tony knew he had to step away before he did something stupid. Well, more stupid, anyway.

“Okay, enough feelings, I can’t deal anymore.” Tony gently untangled himself and this time James let him go, a small smile on his face.

“Okay, Tony.” The genius wandered over to one of his many in-progress projects and waved James over.

“Since you’re going to be here for a few more hours, you might as well make yourself useful.”

“I am at your service, of course.” Tony smiled without looking at James and together the two of them got to work. They worked without needing to speak, perfectly complimenting each other’s actions and anticipating each other’s needs. It was the easiest Tony had felt in a while, despite all the lingering worries floating around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: So…this is clearly very late. Writer’s block hit me pretty hard (and so did life) and then the boys had to go and have feelings…and then it just all got very out of hand. My apologies for the wait, hopefully you all stuck with me anyway! The action will start picking up in the next chapter, promise! Like I said, these two just surprised me with some feelings along the way and they didn’t care too much about where I thought the plot was going. Oh, and clearly I’m going to continue ignoring canon…so we can pretend a certain movie doesn’t exist. Thank you for reading!


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